I Don't Understand You

So many times you have hurt me in the past, by not being there when I needed you. By just being so lax about our relationship. By not ever knowing what I need. It's like you don't have intuition at all. Things you KNEW hurt me, you said you would never ever do again, and then today I get an e-mail and you are doing it all over again. We used to be on the same page, we used to have things in common, but right now it feels like you are in an alternate universe from me. I wish things could be different. I really want to be there in your life. I want to know that you are in my life, and that I can depend on you, but the truth is I never could. I think I tricked myself into thinking that you were a big part of my life, when you could never be, there isn't room in your heart for me, and I don't think that I will ever understand it. There is so much love in your life, that I think you just don't need any more. So much else going on that you don't need one more human in there. The communication right now is just painful, and you don't see it, and that may be the very worst thing of all.

Some Things I don't Understand

There are somethings I will never understand.

1. When people critizice, or "offer opinions" when they are not asked for or wanted.
2. When people assume that a person is "unable" to do something or won't choose to do something.
3. When someone is begging for something, really really wants it and an opportunity presents itself, and yet they fail to take it.
4. Why cell phone companies charge so flipping much.
5. What is the quickest way to get to your destination if you haven't a clue where you are going.
6. Why all the good men are gone.
7. Where all the good men are gone.
8. Why posting stuff up on this blog helps me.
9. Why all the men on Cori are aweful horrible people.
10. How something that happened SO long ago can have such an effect in my life today.

Things I miss...

I miss my butt.. isn't that a silly entry in this blog.. I really do!! I am up to 15lbs lost on my big diet.. that's since May 15th so.. that's about 7.5lbs a month..
Which is cool.. So i had 40 lbs to loose, so that means in about 6 months i should be where i want to be.. Which puts me at Christmas.. and hopefully the last of this crap weight is G-O-N-E.. Which means.. that I will be able to GET MY TATOO!! I am excited for that! I've promised myself a tatoo when this is all over.. :) Something on my back probably under my bra strap at the back. Something cool, not really sure what yet. Probably something random. I need to put more thought into it. I was thinking a Welsh Dragon, but the more I think about it, I don't want a Dragon on my back when I'm 65 years old now do I??

Ha Ha!...

Anyway, I miss my tooka.. I have a flat butt now, and that sucks. It's such a stupid thing to be concerned about. Oh well.. it's still something that sucks!

My Sheepishness

So Dean was talking last night about sheep. And how in ancient times when a sheep would stray from the flock, a shepherd would leave everything and go looking for it. When he found the sheep, he would grab hold of it, and with his staff, break one of it's legs so it couldn't walk. Then the shepherd would lift the sheep up on his shoulders and make the sheep lay there. Regardless of the struggle, over the next few weeks while the leg healed the Shepard would keep the sheep up on his shoulders, and eventually that sheep would learned that being with the shepherd wasn't such a bad thing after all, that being on his shoulders, in his presence was safe after all, and that being close to the shepherd meant the sheep would have everything he needed.

If a shepherd had to do this to a sheep, 99% of the time the sheep would never stray again.

If Only..

If only I had someone to protect me. "I am your protective shade, says the Lord." (Psalm 121:5)

If only I had someone to love me in that special way. " I have loved you deeply, says the Lord" (Malachi 1:2)

If only I had someone to stand by my side. "I will never leave you nor forsake you, says the Lord." (Joshua 1:5)

If only I had someone to be strong when I am weak. "My power works best in your weakness, says the Lord. (2 Corinthians 12:9)

If only I had someone to really know me. "I have serached you and I know you, says the Lord." (Psalm 139:1)

If only I had someone to gaze at me. "I am the one who comforts you, says the Lord." (Isaiah 51:12)

If only I had someone to call me their own. "Before you were born I called you, says the Lord. (Isaiah 49:1)

If only I had someone to laugh with. "I have come to give you life to the full, says the Lord." (John 10:10).

If only I had someone to be my shoulder to cry on. "The one the Lord Loves rests between his shoulders, says the Lord." Deuteronomy 33:12

If only I had someone to hold my hand. " I hold your hand so you will not fall, says the Lord. (Psalm 37.24)

If only I had someone to be captivated by me. "The inner beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit is precious to God, says the Lord." (1 Peter 3:4)

If only I had someone to believe in me. "I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord" (Romans 8:32)

I Can't Believe It

Well.. The afore mention situation with the guy, and me not being able by God to be in the same room for more than 2 seconds without interruptions or a major catastrophe. Hmm... Interesting enough, we ended up at the same deli at the same time, at the same table. I can't freaking believe it. It's like God went on vacation or something and forgot that He was trying to keep us away like to positively charged magnets. I can't really believe it!!

Anyway, a good chat was had, makes me wish that I had a good guy friend. Someone to just goof off with and chat with. I miss Brian, and the friendship that we had. I really wish I had someone else like that in my life. GAH. But good to have an intelligent adult conversation with a member of the opposite sex FOR SURE!

UGH

I hate dreams, i hate what they do to your sleep. I hate how they totally hijack an otherwise great sleep and turn your night into one crazy evening. I was paralyzed in this one, or was drugged so I couldn't move, and i woke up needing to call for help but there were no words in my mouth. I seemed to be awake and haven't yet figured out if I was actually awake or if I was just dreaming that I was awake. Either way, it was a scary fitful sleep, and by the time 6am came I was beside myself.

Besides the dreaming my friend lonliness who is a constant companion has come for a party in my life this week. I have really good friends, and lots of "people" around me. But there is something missing. And maybe it's constant communication with God that I am missing, but it seems to be something in a person that I am lacking right now. I can't even articulate what it is, but lonliness is my friend today.

Five Smooth Stones

26David, who was talking to the men standing around him, asked, "What's in it for the man who kills that Philistine and gets rid of this ugly blot on Israel's honor? Who does he think he is, anyway, this uncircumcised Philistine, taunting the armies of God-Alive?"
27They told him what everyone was saying about what the king would do for the man who killed the Philistine.

28Eliab, his older brother, heard David fraternizing with the men and lost his temper: "What are you doing here! Why aren't you minding your own business, tending that scrawny flock of sheep? I know what you're up to. You've come down here to see the sights, hoping for a ringside seat at a bloody battle!"

29"What is it with you?" replied David. "All I did was ask a question." 30Ignoring his brother, he turned to someone else, asked the same question, and got the same answer as before.

31The things David was saying were picked up and reported to Saul. Saul sent for him.

32"Master," said David, "don't give up hope. I'm ready to go and fight this Philistine."

33Saul answered David, "You can't go and fight this Philistine. You're too young and inexperienced--and he's been at this fighting business since before you were born."

34David said, "I've been a shepherd, tending sheep for my father. Whenever a lion or bear came and took a lamb from the flock, 35I'd go after it, knock it down, and rescue the lamb. If it turned on me, I'd grab it by the throat, wring its neck, and kill it. 36Lion or bear, it made no difference--I killed it. And I'll do the same to this Philistine pig who is taunting the troops of God-Alive. 37GOD, who delivered me from the teeth of the lion and the claws of the bear, will deliver me from this Philistine."

Saul said, "Go. And GOD help you!"

38Then Saul outfitted David as a soldier in armor. He put his bronze helmet on his head and belted his sword on him over the armor. 39David tried to walk but he could hardly budge.

David told Saul, "I can't even move with all this stuff on me. I'm not used to this." And he took it all off.

40Then David took his shepherd's staff, selected five smooth stones from the brook, and put them in the pocket of his shepherd's pack, and with his sling in his hand approached Goliath.

41As the Philistine paced back and forth, his shield bearer in front of him, he noticed David. 42He took one look down on him and sneered--a mere youngster, apple-cheeked and peach-fuzzed.

43The Philistine ridiculed David. "Am I a dog that you come after me with a stick?" And he cursed him by his gods.

44"Come on," said the Philistine. "I'll make roadkill of you for the buzzards. I'll turn you into a tasty morsel for the field mice."

45David answered, "You come at me with sword and spear and battle-ax. I come at you in the name of GOD-of-the-Angel-Armies, the God of Israel's troops, whom you curse and mock. 46This very day GOD is handing you over to me. I'm about to kill you, cut off your head, and serve up your body and the bodies of your Philistine buddies to the crows and coyotes. The whole earth will know that there's an extraordinary God in Israel. 47And everyone gathered here will learn that GOD doesn't save by means of sword or spear. The battle belongs to GOD-he's handing you to us on a platter!"

48That roused the Philistine, and he started toward David. David took off from the front line, running toward the Philistine. 49David reached into his pocket for a stone, slung it, and hit the Philistine hard in the forehead, embedding the stone deeply. The Philistine crashed, facedown in the dirt.

50That's how David beat the Philistine--with a sling and a stone. He hit him and killed him. No sword for David!

51Then David ran up to the Philistine and stood over him, pulled the giant's sword from its sheath, and finished the job by cutting off his head. When the Philistines saw that their great champion was dead, they scattered, running for their lives.

52The men of Israel and Judah were up on their feet, shouting! They chased the Philistines all the way to the outskirts of Gath and the gates of Ekron. 53Wounded Philistines were strewn along the Shaaraim road all the way to Gath and Ekron. After chasing the Philistines, the Israelites came back and looted their camp. 54David took the Philistine's head and brought it to Jerusalem. But the giant's weapons he placed in his own tent. 55When Saul saw David go out to meet the Philistine, he said to Abner, commander of the army, "Tell me about this young man's family."

Abner said, "For the life of me, O King, I don't know."

56The king said, "Well, find out the lineage of this raw youth."

57As soon as David came back from killing the Philistine, Abner brought him, the Philistine's head still in his hand, straight to Saul.

58Saul asked him, "Young man, whose son are you?"

"I'm the son of your servant Jesse," said David, "the one who lives in Bethlehem."

Voices In My Head...

So i was listening to this song on the way to work... Made me realize that I listen to lies sometimes. The lies in my head that say that I am never going to find that perfect guy, that I will never be truly happy, that I will always be a messed up mental patient. This song reminded me not to believe those lies, and that maybe just maybe someday the giant of self doubt will be dead in my life..

Casting Crowns - Voice Of Truth Lyrics

Oh what I would do to have
The kind of faith it takes
To climb out of this boat I'm in
Onto the crashing waves

To step out of my comfort zone
Into the realm of the unknown where Jesus is
And He's holding out His hand

But the waves are calling out my name
And they laugh at me
Reminding me of all the times
I've tried before and failed
The waves they keep on telling me
Time and time again. "Boy, you'll never win!"
"You'll never win!"

Chorus:
But the voice of truth tells me a different story
The voice of truth says, "Do not be afraid!"
The voice of truth says, "This is for My glory"
Out of all the voices calling out to me
I will choose to listen and believe the voice of truth

Oh what I would do to have
The kind of strength it takes to stand before a giant
With just a sling and a stone
Surrounded by the sound of a thousand warriors
Shaking in their armor
Wishing they'd have had the strength to stand

But the giant's calling out my name
And he laughs at me
Reminding me of all the times
I've tried before and failed
The giant keeps on telling me
Time and time again. "Boy you'll never win!"
"You'll never win!"

But the stone was just the right size
To put the giant on the ground
And the waves they don't seem so high
From on top of them lookin' down
I will soar with the wings of eagles
When I stop and listen to the sound of Jesus
Singing over me

I will choose to listen and believe the voice of truth

My Illness

I have a disease. I really have a sickness. I have this intrinsic need to be affirmed by men. I don't know how long it's been probably all my life. I don't remember a time when I actually had my father's approval. One summer I went to the US for 4 months, and I THINK he was proud of me those months, but again, one can't be sure. It didn't matter how well I did at school, there was always the 1% that I didn't get when I got 99%. When I did get 100% it was pointed out to me that my average was still lower than what he expected. I cry now when I think about how he must feel (beyond the grave). I don't know for sure that he would be proud. I don't know that he would think what I've done with my life is significant. I wish I could just have a 20 second chat with him, just long enough to see his face, to catch a glimpse of his eyes, cause I would know in an instant what he thought, without him even speaking a word.

Because maybe than I would not seek approval from guys. I wouldn't care so much when a guy is not interested in me, or decides that I'm not "it" for me. I know it's why I stayed with ex so long. I know it's why I pine away for guys I was interested in. I tried so long and so hard to get my father's attention, that I think it's normal and healthy to do it in every guys' life. It's an illness and I am powerless to stop it. With the wisdom of my 28 years I know it's not healthy, but I don't know what to do about it. God HAS to change this, cause it eats me apart.

The Last Of You

You are leaving me,
Ever so slowly,
I'm getting rid of your ripples in my life.

First it was your smell, your laughter,
Then it was the feel of your body next to mine,
I moved to your memories, all the times we had,
Then it was the anger, the betrayal,

I got caught up in the fear I held,
So tightly to for my life,
And I wished you'd never made your way,into this heart of mine.

I have little left of you in me,
Little to remind me of who you were,
Your voice is now silent in my head,

I don't care that you thought I was useless,
stupid and self absorbed,
It doesn't matter to me that I wasn't enough for you,

I'm quite bored of your taunting and jeering,
Had enough of your lies,
And somehow my mind has tuned you out.

I have just a little to let go of now,
and I will be happy when I do
And I promise I will never ever look back.

Your thoughts used to be important to me,
But now i'm not interested in your crap,
It's time for me to get rid of the last of you.

Amazing But True

It always amazes me that when you feel the furthest from God, that's when He comes the closest. I lead worship this past weekend, and this time last week really had NOTHING to give, but in that brokenness and in that empty place God brought around something Good that has lasted with me until this week. He proved faithful in picking songs and in laying things on my heart. He's good to me you know, in the little things from my bank account balance, to catching green lights, to caring about my heart and it's many issues. It's comforting to know that He cares. All the time.