My Illness

I have a disease. I really have a sickness. I have this intrinsic need to be affirmed by men. I don't know how long it's been probably all my life. I don't remember a time when I actually had my father's approval. One summer I went to the US for 4 months, and I THINK he was proud of me those months, but again, one can't be sure. It didn't matter how well I did at school, there was always the 1% that I didn't get when I got 99%. When I did get 100% it was pointed out to me that my average was still lower than what he expected. I cry now when I think about how he must feel (beyond the grave). I don't know for sure that he would be proud. I don't know that he would think what I've done with my life is significant. I wish I could just have a 20 second chat with him, just long enough to see his face, to catch a glimpse of his eyes, cause I would know in an instant what he thought, without him even speaking a word.

Because maybe than I would not seek approval from guys. I wouldn't care so much when a guy is not interested in me, or decides that I'm not "it" for me. I know it's why I stayed with ex so long. I know it's why I pine away for guys I was interested in. I tried so long and so hard to get my father's attention, that I think it's normal and healthy to do it in every guys' life. It's an illness and I am powerless to stop it. With the wisdom of my 28 years I know it's not healthy, but I don't know what to do about it. God HAS to change this, cause it eats me apart.