My Deal With You

Okay, so my deal with you is not as crazy as I first thought. I can't fix you, I can't make things better, I can't give you enough leeway, I can't be nice enough, love you enough, be good enough, make this work. All of this is my "greatest fear" realized, that there is something I can't fix.

This is why I have such a hard time with you and me, it's flashbacks to my marriage, and how I did everything I knew how to keep the marriage afloat, tried every way I knew to keep him with me, and it didn't work. It's the same thing here, I've tried to be accommodating to the point where I would give anything to be with you, and that isn't healthy or realistic. You recognized that, but I didn't until this morning. The truth is I wanted it to work. And it never would. I was most upset that I couldn't keep it together, and I am still grasping to some measure of hope that I can make it work. Somehow. I gave up on my marriage, and I can most certainly give up on this. I just needed to see what was going on. I do now.