Mirror Time

So I went to go shower this morning and I didn't recognize myself in the mirror. It shocked me to look at my body and not really know who's it was. I haven't seen my body look like that for a heck of a long time. I'm happy with the results, even though I haven't noticed much change on the scales (5 lbs or so). I think maybe the scales are broken or something. Anyway, on top of the whole "new body thing", I have TOTALLy overcome my urge to e-mail a certain someone. It's like a drug this thing with "idiot boy", I have urges to contact him, but if I resist, it goes away. It gives me hope that at some point I won't think about him anymore. Oh for that day!

There's a skimming competition in a month's time. I want to try for it. I mean I really want to "do it up". But there are rails and ramps and all kinds of freaky stuff. I need to check into that. A 28 year old trying to "do it up" sounds like a trip to the outdoor to me!!!

This & That

So .. This week has been up and down. I think I finally have this diet thing kicked. I've been doing this over a month, and now it's a lifestyle. I don't crave the crap foods that I used to love (Chips, fries, chocolate), and i actually am in LOVE with certain foods that I didn't each much of before (cherries, rice crackers, smoothies etc). So I'm pumped about all of that.

On the mental side, I have had another dream... On top of the reoccuring "I marry my ex Dream".. Which reminds me I must look that up on the internet.. but now i'm having a dream that he has got engaged and is going to marry someone else, and is trying to flaunt it on me, but the truth is in the dream and in real life I DON'T CARE! Gah, i just wish i'd go to bed and sleep.. That would be good. Just for a little while..

Sometimes

Sometimes

Sometimes things don't go, after all,
from bad to worse. Some years, muscadel
faces down frost; green thrives; the crops don't fail, sometimes a man aims high, and all goes well.

A people sometimes will step back from war;
elect an honest man; decide they care
enough, that they can't leave some stranger poor.
Some men become what they were born for.

Sometimes our best efforts do not go
amiss; sometimes we do as we meant to.
The sun will sometimes melt a field of sorrow
that seemed hard frozen: may it happen for you.

-Sheenagh Pugh 1950-

Over The Room

Artist Lyrics: Ten Shekel Shirt
Song Lyrics: Over The Room
Album Lyrics:
[Buy " " CD]

You thought you might never see the daylight
Hope was dim but it was worth the fight
You made it out and your smile is the most

courageous thing I've seen
And a hush falls over the room, a quiet salute.
I'll get the wine, I'll get the best I can find.
And Christ in me will rise to greet your cheek.
You made it out and your smile is the most

contageous thing I've seen
And a hush falls over the room, a quiet salute

to you
Then we all break out and erupt into song
Of celebration, facination
Your life in daylight has just begun
You made it out and you're moving on
You made it out and you're becoming strong
You made it out and your smile is the most

courageous thing I've ever seen
and a hush falls

My Deal With You

Okay, so my deal with you is not as crazy as I first thought. I can't fix you, I can't make things better, I can't give you enough leeway, I can't be nice enough, love you enough, be good enough, make this work. All of this is my "greatest fear" realized, that there is something I can't fix.

This is why I have such a hard time with you and me, it's flashbacks to my marriage, and how I did everything I knew how to keep the marriage afloat, tried every way I knew to keep him with me, and it didn't work. It's the same thing here, I've tried to be accommodating to the point where I would give anything to be with you, and that isn't healthy or realistic. You recognized that, but I didn't until this morning. The truth is I wanted it to work. And it never would. I was most upset that I couldn't keep it together, and I am still grasping to some measure of hope that I can make it work. Somehow. I gave up on my marriage, and I can most certainly give up on this. I just needed to see what was going on. I do now.

It's Stupid When I Get Pumped For One Pound

Okay so crazy diet, no dairy, no sugar, no wheat, no FUN.. and all I've lost (to my knowledge is one lb). I'm a little miffed, a little discouraged, and I really want this to be about "feeling good", and I do feel better, but this past weekend I had one of the worst IBS attacks of my life. I went to bed screaming in pain. I don't know how a piece of steak and a BOCCA burger could give you IBS pain, cause that's about the heaviest thing I had all day.. Anyway, I can fit into last summer's pants, so i'm pumped about that, it means I haven't TOTALLY ballooned. Anyway, I am being good. I haven't eaten anything I shouldn't have. I am really really trying to be good. I don't miss much, except drinking water is getting tiring. But if I can get my tattoo out of this I will be a happy camper!

Dreaming

Dreaming is such a random act. I mean why do you dream about certain people, say your x's? I would never in real life want to spend one second on earth with him again, but last night I dreamt that I remarried him. It was scary to see how people were totally all for him again, and us getting back together. I was willing, but still reluctant, and then in the end I realized he had never changed. He was still selfish, opinionated, cruel, and heartless. I woke up to my alarm, staring at the wall blankly, not understanding why I would ever dream I would remarry him. What was going on in my mind? Why did I dream that? Who in their right mind after having four years of freedom would ever (even if just on a subconscious level), want to go back to such a manipulator and an abuser. I am beyond words on this one. My "mind" is out of control this week. So full of irrational and illogical thoughts. I want to shut them out, to stop my mind from working, to let go and not deal with this stuff for five minutes. Sometimes I hate an analytical mind.

Get a Grip

Get a grip I'm telling myself today. Today I told a "me and you" story and I missed you all over again. I don't understand what the flip I am doing up in my mind, that after all this time, and all the circumstances I will still think back with fondness to our time together. You hurt me, and I should hate you for it. But I don't. And I hate myself even more for not hating you. The truth is you know how to make a girl fall for you, and keep her heart out there, I just wish you had let me go, stopped my heart from hanging on. Or that God would do it, release me from this prison. I wish someone would cause this bites.

Okay so there is bruising yo! 

Skimming Injury #1

So.. I was told to Blog my skimming injuries. So I'd like to record #1 for the 2005 season. This is her in all her glory (see Pic).... Slight bruising to my baby toe, I was trying to do a trick but got caught in much deeper water than anticipated and flipped over my toes. My baby toe got the worst of it. YEAHHHH Skimming is here!!

Funerals

I hate funerals. Rather I hate the sense of helplessness you feel when you are standing there, trying to think of something that won't sound totally stupid coming out of your mouth. I would like to think that I have a bit of a grip on death and dying, having lost so many close to me, but the truth is each death and loss is significant and as different as the next, so each time you revisit the "life event" you go through all the old emotions all over again. Denial, anger, depression, blame, acceptance. I always thought the acceptance part was a bit of an oxymoron. How can you accept death? How can you accept the fact that someone is gone forever, that you will never ever get a chance to tease that person, love that person, or look at that person again. How does any of it make sense enough to accept it. If anyone knows please let me know, but as far as I am concerned each time a death occurs our entire existence is changed. Our vocabulary changes, our habits change, our social circles change, our holidays change. Nothing is ever the same after someone leaves our circle of influence, and I think it sucks. Royally.