And Then They Get All Sensible

So this post hurt people and made some people feel misunderstood and for that i am truly sorry. If my writing EVER causes someone pain i don't want to write anymore. I was just having a "Never Grow Up Day" and if that caused pain I apologise. I struggle sometimes with being honest and real, and watching what I say. So to Ven & anyone else i hurt. Please know i NEVER ment to hurt you with this post. I love you and i am truly sorry.

The Weekend

So had a good weekend. Trying to manuver around Halifax, and find random places to hang out. Thank the Lord for a co-pilot. We saw Gordie Sampson Friday night. Can I just say that I think he is the most incredible performer I have ever seen? I love the way he interacts, this time with a symphony with a rock n roll conductor. It was good times. Then on Saturday we went to Peggy's Cove and saw the sites. It was much like NFLD, I enjoyed the drive, but it was not really the "who ho" site that I expected, but i have seen a lot of different touristy sites, and tonnes of water, so it was kinda just a watery touristy site. Anyway, SUnday we went to the Rock Church, and got shh'ed by a 45 year old. That was tonnes of fun!! not really a church I would like to visit again, lack of love, and lots of show, not really a great combination if you ask me.

Then last night we went to trivia, and had a little fun flirting with the Trivia Dude. Good times..

This Road - Ginny Owens
A million miles away from anything familiar
a thousand places I would rather be
so I choke back the tears and try to find the bright side
though I find it hard to see beyond my suffering
in my heart I know your plan is so much bigger
but this small part is all that I can see
and I believe you haven’t left me here to wander
still I can't help but ponder where you're leading me
(chorus)
and I ask why this road
why this way
and this load
tell me how far must I go
till I see
till I know
why this road
A million miles away from anything familiar
what was it like to be so far from home
though you came in love
the world misunderstood you
there must have been some days when you felt so alone
but you endured, cause there was joy before you
joy that came because you sacrificed
Since you gave yourself just to spend forever with me
surely I can trust you'll lead me through my darkest times
when I ask why....(chorus)
From here I can not see
why you'd choose this path for me
but I don't have to understand to believe
that you know why
You know why this road
why this way
and this load
you know how far I must go
till I see
till I know
why this road

Rejection

Rejection is never easy. It seems to come and wash over you and take over all of your self esteem. There's this part of you that hopes. That figures that it will probably end up the way experience has taught you but that secretively discretely tries to hold out for something more. It's one of those emotions that cuts deep, that hollows out your very soul. That makes you feel less than human, like you have a nasty disease and people should stay away from you. Rejection eats away at me, like dishsoap in a sink of filthy dishes. It takes away all the joy and leaves me sitting in self doubt. I wish that I could shake the rejection, and I tell myself it doesn't matter over and over again, but it does matter and it definitely hurts.

Where's the Reset Button

Sometimes i wish you could reset your life. Things get progressively harder sometimes and you wish that you could just press a button and make everything go back to the way they were. Sometimes you get 3/4 way down a road and you think to yourself .. what the? How did I get down this road? Where did I get off the road I was on, who else is on this road, did I take anyone else with me when I went off roading?
Sometimes I wonder if I change, or whether it's the circumstances I find myself in. I seem to be constantly evolving, constantly changing and I hope it's becoming my own person, not becoming what I feel others want to see.
Sometimes I wish I could turn back time, and freeze frame it. Some moments I would like to live out over and over and over. Others I would like to forget forever.
These are all retorical questions, and I do realize that. Some day looking back I am sure I will actually find out the answer.

Longing

I'm longing today for home, for a place where there is no stress or worry, only rest. A place where I don't have to be concerned about who I am, only be concerned with who I'm with. Somewhere where I can rest from trying, grabbing, effort, life in general and search for the something else that I am looking for. Part of me wants the out, the escape, the place where I cease to exist. This level of pain, or hurt of exhaustion is frustrating and irritating. I don't feel or look like myself right now. It is time to give up but I don't even have the energy to do that. I long for home today, in a way I can't even express.