Ever Feel As If The Big Guy Is Out To Get You?

Okay, so at one point in time I may or may not have had feelings for someone. And for some reason the Heavenlies are punishing me for that. For some reason, (even though right now I do not like the guy), every time I attempt to be at the same function at the same time with this young man, something drastic happens. For example this winter, I showed up at the ski hill the same time as he breaks his binding.. So last night I had the bright idea to go see his band play. I had heard it was in one community, but they weren't there, so I went to my second (and quite intelligent) guess, no go there either. So I wasted a 1/2 tank of gas, and 3 hours of my life, looking around for this "phantom" band who ended up playing in entirely different locals. The lengths that God is going to keep me and this guy apart, is ridiculous, and I feel He's wasting His energy because I don't even LIKE this guy. Man oh Man.

Not Hard to Grow

Cannonball - Damien Rice

still a little bit of your taste in my mouth
still a little bit of you laced with my doubt
still a little hard to say what's going on

still a little bit of your ghost your weakness
still a little bit of your face i haven't kissed
You step a little closer each day
I can’t say what's going on

Stones taught me to fly
Love, taught me to lie
Life, taught me to die
So it's not hard to fall
When you float like a cannonball

still a little bit of your song in my ear
still a little bit of your words I long to hear
You step a little closer to me
So close that I can't see what's going on

Stones taught me to fly
Love, taught me to lie
Life taught me to die
So it's not hard to fall
When you float like a cannon..
Stones taught me to fly
Love taught me to cry
so come on courage
Teach me to be shy
'Cause it's not hard to fall
And I don't wanna scare her
It's not hard to fall
And I don't wanna lose (-)
It's not hard to grow
When you know that you just don't know

I love this lyric. So powerful. So great of a description of the weakness in my life. I love the last line especially, "It's not hard to Grow, when you know that you just don't know". SO true in my life. It's not hard for me to grow when I have so little going on.. Any move of God sends ripples out of my life and changes everything.

Cape Breton May 22nd/05 

Cape Breton May 22nd 

Cape Breton

Man i love that place. Went for the weekend with Dor & Nic. Good times. I had a moment of freedom driving through the trail as all my memories in Cape Breton were with my x. And I drove the trail, I went and made new memories. It was a good weekend for that. I love starting over, getting the opportunity to begin again, to make new tracks in fresh snow. How I longed for new beginnings a few years ago, and now here I am creating new starts every couple of days. I love this life You have given me.

Thoughts In Allegory

My City

I once lived in a city. It was a strong, safe city. It had high walls around it built in earlier times to fend off frequent attackers. The walls were strong ones and I maintained them in order to keep myself safe from hurtful things. I can't say I felt safe in my strong city but it was as close as I could get.

But I was alone in my city. My city had become a prison for me. The same walls which I had built to keep out pain had also kept out good things. The things that make life worth living. While I was relatively safe in my city, I was besieged in a prison of my own making. Yet I continued maintenance on my walls. I chose the safety of a prison rather than face the dangers that lay on the outside.

Even after there were no more attacks, no more attackers, I kept up my city's walls. Then one day I heard of another city. A traveler from another city had gained my trust and I gave her admittance to my city. It was the first real company I had had in a very long time. Time after time my traveler friend returned. I soon began to lose interest in my walls. It's amazing how fast they fell when I forgot about them. I don't know if my traveler friend thought it strange to find the walls around my city coming down. I myself did not notice. I enjoyed her company so much that my walls did not even cross my mind.

I wondered what sort of city it was that my traveler friend hailed from. It was then that I realized that my walls had come completely down. They were beyond repair and I did not wish to build them up again. So I left my once strong city and set out to find that other city from where my traveler friend had come. The place where I for some reason had begun to believe I could be safe and yet not alone.

It was not a long journey. I soon reached the city I was looking for. I don't know what I expected to see when I reached that city. But what a sinking feeling I had when I stood before the city and found it surrounded by high walls probably as strong and solid as mine had been. I could not get in.

I can not go back, for the old city cannot ever be home again. So I wander outside the other city. I still talk to my traveler friend and I try to glean from the things she says a picture of what the city must be like. But how I long to be in that city. To have the walls open their gates for me. To have a city to be at home in once more.

And hopefully to be better off than I was before. I know what I left behind and I do not miss it nor do I feel the least bit of longing to return. So I wait on the outside of this other city praying that some day I can win admittance.

I fear I may have to wait forever.

Another Sunset 

Sunset 

How's This Supposed To Feel?

So I don't know how my life is supposed to feel at this point. I am nearing 30, have things in my life I NEVER expected to have at this age, am enjoying the fun things that I am doing, have great friends, and wonderful people to share my life with, but in many ways it is still empty.

I hate that feeling, when you KNOW God is enough, when you REALIZE that He can be everything to you, but you just don't HAVE it. You know? I hope I'm not alone in it. If I am then I am crazy. And that would actually explain quite a bit, but it's not really a reality I really want to accept.

Anyway, I wish I knew the answers.