It's Funny What Goes On In Your Head Sometimes

Ever have your mind take off on you? Like simply go to a place where you had no intentions of going.. Just completely go off the deep end, and you are on the ride of your life? It doesn't happen to me THAT often (don't get worried), but sometimes the situation overwhelms me so, that I loose it. Saturday night was one of those times.

I had just arrived late to a dinner theatre, and was entering a room full of 250 laughing, eating adults. All of a sudden I froze. I completely had a mini-meltdown and my thoughts went wild "Everyone in this room was having fun before you came in, and if you had not shown up they still would have had a good time. No one here cares that you have arrived. You will once again arrive alone sit alone and leave alone. On the slight chance that someone will make room at their table for you, it will mostly be out of pity".. I completely felt like running, and if it wasn't for the teens and this performance meaning so much to them I would have. But i stayed and pushed back tears, and held back the urge to scream, as everyone around me bubbling told me how wonderful Christmas was and how lovely things were in their lives.

It's a horrible thing that I hate Christmas. It's not like me, and normally I would love this time of the year. I'd love for it to be about something other than a great big long period of time when I feel totally alone. It's that that I hate, how often it points to the fact that I don't have anyone to share this time with, and that I once again will sit by the tree opening presents from my mother. It gets me every time. Our pastor told us on Sunday to get over our selves, and stop feeling sorry for ourselves, and that lonliness is bad, but really get out there and love someone else.. THat's much easier said than done for sure. God must do this, cause I cannot force myself to love another. He has to get me back in centre, cause it's not something I can do myself.